Procrastination

28 05 2009

It’s such an irrational reaction, postponing things that we expect not to enjoy. As if we could control time by just  stopping us to do what we have to do!

Procrastination! The queen of all PhD students. Even the strongest, the most confident person becomes completely smashed by it!

I used to say that the thing I hated the most are “passengers”, people that just live without being alive. People that live at 50%, always “alright” but never sad or happy. People that don’t follow their dreams (do they even dream?), people that just go through the days as if… As if we were all part of a movie that we can’t control. Maybe that’s the reality. But I’ve always tried to take over my life, being as alive I can, enjoying the moment, the smells, the colours, the sounds that sorround me. After all, that’s what’s special about being human, the perception, the conscience of what is around, of what we are. And it’s fantastic be aware of it!

But through months I’ve became one of those passengers, I’ve had moments of self-conscience when I’ve tried to go back to how/what I was, a participant, but couldn’t get hold of it. Living in a place where life goes by slowly, where not much ambition on following dreams is around, pushed me into this letargic life that I absolutely hate! “There is a beautiful mess inside”…. I known that “I” is still here, but can’t bring it back.

Finally, going back home, to the sun and the sea where I belong, brought me back to my real me, to the person I grew up to and I was/am happy with. I now have to hold on to myself very strongly because I’m affraid that once again, this thesis-writing will send me to whatever I was hiding.

I need to keep holding that memory of the waves passing through my body, massaging, revitalizing me, coming back up, catching my breath, feeling completely renewed. Smiling like when I was 5 years old, the same gesture of taking the salted water away from my itchy eyes, the water from my years, but always laughing!

“Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.” Everything is ready for me now, I’m ready, work/words are ready, but specially my future and the opportunities are ready.

Come thesis, let’s have a good time together and I promise to take you to my sea when we are done.

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